Posted by: Mother Ruckus | July 16, 2009

Taking Charge of My Fertility

Yesterday, I sent a friend a copy of the book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility, by Toni Weschler.  It began my journey toward motherhood, and I have recommended it to all my friends who are “trying to get pregnant.”  If only I had known, taking charge of my fertility would mean losing control of every other aspect of my life.

Take my body for example of “lost control.”  I look in the mirror before stepping in the shower, allow several moments for the initial shock to wear off, and wonder, “What the heck happened?”  I remember before taking charge of my fertility, my hubby fondly referring to my breasts as “the twins” or “the girls” or “the fun bags.”  Now he calls them “National Geographic.”

Prior to the stretch marks and stretched mammalian protuberances, I had successful control of the oral English language.  As an elementary teacher and former public speaker, I was well versed in the practice of articulating my thoughts while calculating my word choice.  Two days ago, to the teen clerk who was helping me carry out a case of wine to my car, I said in my stupidest mommy talking to baby voice, “Might be stormy.”

No need to explain why I was buying a case of wine.

Wasn’t it just yesterday, I drove my white jeep with the top down, soaked up the sun, and sang along to Kid Rock?  Oh no, yesterday I drove my standard, silver, mom-mobile SUV, and sang along to Ny Fitiavako an’I Mama off the World Playground Dreamland c.d.  I didn’t know what I was singing nor what I was doing at the time, because all I could think was, “If the baby’s crying over the music playing, then volume 20 can’t be damaging his ears- right?”

Preceding total fertility control, I couldn’t have enough fun in the marital bed.  After all, that’s where most babies are made!  As of late, the only action my husband receives is when I ask to compare his organ to my son’s because I’m sure the surgeon screwed up his circumcision, (my son’s circ. – not my husband’s). A purple penis is not normal!

Recently, I ventured out of the house to Target with baby in tow.  I felt rather accomplished to be traveling across town after showering and washing my hair (a feat that may seem small to you less in control of your fertility).  How exhilarating I felt to have a clean scalp and non-foul smelling pits.  My legs weren’t shaved, but hey, I wasn’t trying for a perfect score!  “Was the baby falling asleep in the car rather than screaming?  Oh, this is my lucky day!”

Walking on cloud nine into Target, I noticed a mom and daughter staring at me from across the parking lot.  Brought down to earth I panicked, “What now, are National Geographic leaking?”  Upon closer review, I recognized them as a former student and her mother.  With a lump in my now flabby tummy, I realized they didn’t recognize me with 20 extra pounds, no make-up, and frizzy hair pulled back.  Suddenly, clean hair didn’t feel like something to brag about.  With an injured ego, I lugged my now-awake 2 month old into the cart, smiled down at him and in my best mommy voice said, “What’s that you say?  Don’t worry, Mommy.  Britney was a dim student, anyway.”

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Responses

  1. Yes, you found the blogging world. I am so excited to keep reading your blog, so keep posting when you can!

    Love and miss you,
    Jen

  2. You and your husband are hilarious! Good to know you’re getting out, even if you’re not ready to return to modeling just yet!

  3. Angel, oh welcome to the world of motherhood. You are so spot on with your blog here. I can’t help but chuckle as I’m going through the same things. I wish I could fit a shower in daily here, but that just doesn’t always happen. And I hear you about the baby crying in the car. Have you tried finding a station that doesn’t come in, and cranking up the static. That seems to work for us, something about the “white noise.” Can’t wait to see you soon at Kim’s wedding.

  4. I love this . . . you are hilarious and o-so-true!!!!! Welcome to motherhood – I promise it will get better (but it may take 5 years!!!)

  5. What’s the problem Angel… my hair is clean. ; )

    Your “Little Man” is the most adorable purple penis’ed boy I know.

  6. […] Dancing naked in the bedroom should definitely be postponed until a lighter weight is reached and National Geographic don’t bounce like beach balls on a […]


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