Posted by: Mother Ruckus | September 18, 2009

Top Ten Things I Wish I Knew Before Becoming a Mother

Hold on, momtourage!  If you did a quick skim of my list and said, “I told her that!”  I realize you warned me about all the following, but hearing and knowing are two entirely different things.  As for much of motherhood, I had to experience it to believe it. 

  1. I’d never sleep again.  In the rare occasion I actually do sleep, I’ll wake up next to a laughing baby (like this morning), spend a few moments in bliss thinking it’s the best way to start a day until I smell something raunchy and look down to find the baby, the sheets, and my bare leg covered in shit.  No wonder he was laughing.  Damn cloth diapers. 
  2. “Baby Blues” should be renamed to “Get the F*ck Away From Me Haven’t You Done Enough Already I’m So Sorry I Love You More Than Anything I Don’t Know What I Would Do Without You Please Don’t Ever Leave Me I Couldn’t Raise this Baby by Myself Blues.”  
  3. My hair would fall out.  My hairdresser, S.P., said my hair would fall out after giving birth.  I listened politely but knew only women with poor nutrition had their hair fall out.  Mine would be just fine.  Of course, I was wrong.  I’m still taking the huge, horse pill vitamins with DHA, iron, and all the rest, and my hair is falling out in clumps.   
  4. Everyone and anyone – even strangers would give unsolicited advice on how to raise my child.  No two people agree on the correct way, but all advice will presume I’m doing something wrong as a parent.    
  5. I’d have to choose between eating and showering.  Showering used to win this contest early on when I was concerned about doing the right thing, but now I say, “Screw personal hygiene – give me some grub!”   
  6. The tendonitis in my wrist I experienced from ninth grade gymnastics would flare up again after holding a fifteen-pound baby most of the day. 
  7. Sleep when the baby sleeps is the dumbest advice I’d ever hear.  I agree with Dooce on this one.  I’d never get to eat OR shower if I slept every time he slept. 
  8. All authors of books about how to raise children should be locked in a room together until they reach the consensus, their books are b.s.  Every book I pick up seems to contradict the last book and each one is based on research and scientific data and blah, blah, blah. 
  9. I’d dance naked in my bedroom entertaining a four month old while trying to dress after a shower that was cut excessively short by a baby who decided he wanted to fake me out with a ten-minute nap.  Dancing naked in the bedroom should definitely be postponed until a lighter weight is reached and National Geographic don’t bounce like beach balls on a trampoline. 
  10. My heart would explode from the love I feel for my precious baby.  When I was pregnant, a friend of mine told me, “You have no idea how much you’ll love your baby.”  She said, “Imagine how much you love your husband.  Now multiply that by infinity and you’ll come close to how much you’ll love your infant.”  I knew she had to be crazy, because all the books talk about how important it is to put your husband before your baby.  They say you have to place your relationship with your spouse above everything else, because without a strong marital bond, you won’t be good parents… I love Big like mad.  He’s my life partner, my best friend, my companion, and I can’t imagine life without him.  For those reasons, I’m not going to compare my love.  I will say the love I feel for Li’l Man is overwhelming.  He’s such a small, precious being completely reliant on me for his every need – how can I help but love him incomprehensibly? 
Li'l Man in hand knit hat by Auntie

Li'l Man in hand knit hat by Auntie

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Responses

  1. He is adorable!
    Number 4 was the one that drove me mad. Even now that I’ m a grandma, I can still remember things strangers said to me on the street. Critical, judgmental stuff. Being young and scared and not knowing WTF I was doing, I took these things to heart. Should not have, but that’s another story. Good luck with that gorgeous creature.

  2. You’re brave for going with the cloth diapers! We’re still chicken – moved into the size 2 disposables and still nervous about trying out the cloth diapers again.

    I love the picture too. =)

  3. Hey! I saw the comment you left on my blog. I was the one that thanked Elizebeth Hurley for the Estee Lauder advetisement because my husband loves her! Thanks for the cute comment. I have not seen all of her movies and the ones I have seen I really don’t like. My husband loves the movie Bedazzled! ha!
    Anyway, I really like your blog! So maybe we can be blog buddies. Keep in touch!

  4. I totally agree with #7! This advice drives me insane, especially since my little dude is at max a 40-minute napper on a good day. My house (and I) would be in total shambles if I actually slept when he did. Besides, he, too, psyches me out constantly!
    Really enjoyed this post. Looking forward to reading more!


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